Suck it in Fatty!

Since my Suns are probably heading for the lottery and apparently have the worst luck ever, and not much is going on in my life beyond work, I've decided to blog about an atrocious discovery.

The mirdle: Since most men currently subsist on a diet composed entirely of gravy, frosting, and Twinkies covered in gravy and frosting, anti-flab fashion experts have have invented the mirdle, which is a cute name for "man girdle." Basically, it's a spandex tank top (or an overgrown diaper) that's two to three sizes too small for the disgusting, fleshy horror you call a body. It's purpose: To suck in your flopping beer belly as well as those unsightly man-boobs.

According to Gavin Jones, head of the Australian company Equmen, which launched the "mirdle" in London's Selfridges department store: "Men are under a lot of pressure right now to perform financially, socially and romantically. Why shouldn't we have the same products that women have had for years to make us feel better?" If that's the case, Gavin, what's next on your make-guys-feel-better-with-chick-stuff invention agenda? Manpons? Mangisil? Manscara? Daniel Craig?

The report justifies the invention of this abomination by stating the rising sales of male grooming products and clothing. Also: "And similarly men's underwear sales are growing faster than women's, with Selfridges recording a 21 per cent rise in sales of men's pants in 2008 while women's underwear grew by only ten percent." There's a very simple explanation for this: Men hate doing laundry. Hate it. So that makes underwear a disposable item. Personally, I used to know a guy who would buy a new six pack every week, which of course meant he'd have to go commando at least one day -- usually Sunday -- but that's probably TMI. And I'm not an underwear sales statistics expert, but I'd be willing to bet that 90 percent of that 21 percent increase is just the same perv buying underwear over and over to satisfy some horrific fetish. Not that I'm judging.

Men, take it from me. Instead of cramming yourself into a sausage wrapper, just stop being fat. And to help you out with this, here's a weight loss tip from me to you: Next time you notice your hands are stuffed full of something greasy or oozing with sugar, don't cram it into your mouth. It's that easy.

Christmas Letter

You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit has now hit the internet. Today's topic brought to you from Las Vegas, NV is the "Top 10 craziest things the Lippmann family has done in 2008".

10. As the newly anointed Young Men's President, Rick is teaching his scouts that in order to become an Eagle Scout, you have to catch and eat a Bald Eagle.

9. Meagan, as the sole front desk trainer at the MGM Grand Hotel, is experimenting with a new evaluation system. Simply put: grades are determined by how well they wash her car.

8. Daniel and Rachael went to Bolivia and learned there are few times in life that you experience a completely different world, few times you see how fortunate you are to live in the United States, few times to see and really understand that the next vacation will be an all inclusive package.

7. Meagan and Jenn are learning the joys of siblings living together again. We're putting the over/under of this lasting at 8 months.

6. Daniel is one step closer to realizing his dream of becoming the "white Johnnie Cochran" © by taking his last finals in law school.

5. Grandma Connie survived a bad spell and is now living with Rick and Gaynell, but at least while at the hospital she didn't have to take turns with her roommate on the I.V.

4. Gaynell took advantage of Grandma's absence by scraping off and selling her home's wallpaper to the local history museum.

3. Gaynell also learned that not having a fire at girl's camp lead to creative ideas like having to toast marshmallows by laying them on the exhaust pipe of the neighbor's Buick.

2. As the new doctor on the SWAT team, Rick is testing out his radical medical theory that all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks VapoRub.

1. Jenn has a boyfriend!!!!

What if...

I love the "What if" game. You know when you get a bunch of friends together and ask asinine questions like:
• If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it?
• If you could teleport, where would you go?
• If Elvis came back to life...

So I’m going to play a few rounds of “what if” and see what would-huv, could-huv, should-huv happened had ONE thing gone the other way specifically for the Suns. (Side note: At first I thought this was an original idea for a column then I checked…it wasn't: Bill Simmons beat me to it last year here; it’s probably where I subconsciously got the idea from anyway.)

1. What if “human-piece-of-trash” (a.k.a. Robert Horry) didn't hip-check Nash into the scorers table with eighteen seconds left in game 4 of the 2007 conference semifinals?

We all know what happened - A mini-brawl breaks out (of course, every brawl seems small to Pacers fans!); Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw walk out to half court before being stopped by coaches and get slapped with a game suspension. For game 5, the Suns lost 31 points per game by way of the suspension, compared to the 6 points per game the Spurs lost by having Horry out. Would the Suns have won the series? Even without Amare and Boris it took a 3 pointer in the corner from Bowen for the Spurs to put away the Suns during game 5. The series would have at least been closer, right?

Let’s say the Suns win the series. They then would have match up against a young Utah team that got lucky because Houston can’t ever win a playoff series and top-seeded Dallas got knocked off by the "we believe" Golden State team. During the regular season, Utah had won three of four against the Suns but experience tends to win playoffs games unless you’re Dallas. Again, let’s say the Suns win that series and move on against Cleveland. During two regular season games the Suns absolutely creamed the Cavs (both wins by 15+ points). We all saw how woefully under-matched Cleveland was during their first finals appearance and I can’t think of a reason it would have been different had the Suns been playing them and not the Spurs.

We would now live in a world where “defense doesn't necessarily win championships”, a world where Nash is viewed as one of the top five point guards of all-time and not just some system product, a world where every other team was scrambling to mirror what the Suns did to win it all only it wouldn't work because there is only one Nash in the world. Things would be great!

The Suns would never think of unloading any of their key guys (Kurt Thomas, Shawn Marion), Sarver opens up his wallet to keep the group intact because he learns that it pays to win championships, we never trade for Shaq, D’Antoni never leaves, and Phoenix fans would have finally win something after countless losses streaming back to losing the coin-toss that cost us Lew Alcindor (that's Kareem Abdul-Jabbar for you novices, of course if you're a novice you've probably already stopped reading this).

2. What if the Suns had got Kevin Garnett in a trade at the beginning of the 2007-08 season?

This was pretty close to happening according to a few sources that were following the developments of a KG trade. One scenario had some players from the Celtics going to the Wolves, Garnett going to the Suns, and Marion going to the Celtics; rumor has it that this would have gone through had Marion given the go-ahead and not nixed signing an extension with Boston - Marion kiboshed it because he didn't want to play for a dramatically inferior team. Ironically, this doesn't make any sense since Marion became the first professional athlete in NBA history to seem happy going from a team with a .700 winning percentage to a team with a .200 winning percentage when he finally got traded to the Heat.

Another scenario had Stoudemire going to the Wolves straight up for KG. Although this scenario seemed to be higher on the risk scale – look at what the potential of the trade could have been: Nash – Bell – Hill – Marion – Garnett. That’s a starting five that could actually play defense (minus Nash of course, but 4 of 5 ain't bad). We could have hired a defensive-minded assistant, ala Thibodeau, and Garnett would have played with enough intensity to scare everyone else into playing tough on D.

Defense is a skill, but it can be acquired. I remember watching the 2008 NBA Finals and thinking, wow, I've never seen a team play so hard on defense - and that Celtics team was full of players not known for their defense. Ray Allen was notoriously bad throughout his career and Pierce was never known as a lock-down guy. Garnett changed the atmosphere, he gave that team the intensity needed to win and kept the “defense wins championships” mantra alive. I think he would have done the same for the Suns.

3. What if the Suns hadn't done the Matrix for the Diesel trade?

I have to admit, I bought into the media crap that I was force-fed for an entire year before the trade even went down. That the Suns style of play was great for television and lots of regular season wins, but come playoff time it was not a proven winner. That a change needed to happen because the way they were put together they didn't have a chance to compete against the better teams in the West.

Last year after the trade I wrote 1,500 words on why I got ill after hearing about the trade. The Suns had the best record in the West and everyone was pointing out that they weren't playing as good. They could have jelled and put together one of those long winning streaks like they had the year before (17 games – 6th longest in NBA history). They still only finished TWO games out of first. TWO games was the difference between and first round match-up with the Nuggets and the Spurs. TWO games between getting a free pass to the conference finals and meeting a championship caliber team in the first round. If the Suns had switched positions with the Lakers you can’t convince me that the Lakers would have easily dispatched the Spurs then the Hornets and then the Suns. The Lakers, with their seven-foot Spaniard gift from the Grizzlies, would have been hard to stop, but they would have been beat up by a healthy Spurs team and a young and hungry Hornets team. If the Suns got past the Lakers they still would have had their hands full with the Celtics, but at least there would have been the chance to win it all.

Integrating Shaq and basically throwing a wrench into the fine-tuned running machine cost the Suns at least TWO games. To top things off, besides Hill pulling a groin muscle, the Suns were actually healthy going into the playoffs. Something the Suns hadn't experienced in awhile and might not again with an aging roster.

4. What if Shaq would just shut up and play ball?

Personally, I've never had too many qualms with Shaq. He talked the talk but he certainly walked the walk to back it up. I thought it was a mistake for the Lakers to trade him and I preferred him to Kobe when the whole world was choosing sides. But Shaq has lost more than a few steps in these final years of his career. He can’t elevate to dunk around the rim, he can’t finish after getting hacked, thus making his free-throw shooting and even larger liability, and he’s still talking!

First with the Kobe “can't do it without me” rap, then the Spurs were cowards to play “hack-a-Shaq”, and now he's comparing himself to Japanese military commanders. It's one thing to get old and show deference to the new order and play your role, and quite the other to get older and ignore the signs that you are not what you once were.

To quote the Big Cactus himself, "I really didn't start winning until I started losing my lift. When I was doing all the spectacular (stuff), I was going home early, too. The day I got 30 and 31, started losing my lift and started getting smarter, that's when I started winning. Jumping high and being exciting is not going to get you a win. It may get you some press, but it's not going to get you where the Shōgun is at."

That's funny Mr. Shōgun, because it seems that Phil Jackson arrived at the exact time that you started getting smarter.

Listen, four championships in six trips to the finals earn respect, no question. Shaq will go down as one of the best ever, but he has to learn his place. He’s good for 25 minutes, 12 PTS, 10 REB, and 1.something BLK a game. Although it is true that he’s made Stoudemire into an unstoppable beast, and it's true the Suns have only had 28 games to figure out how to use Shaq in their system, now is the time for Shaq to stop talking and start walking, even if it is with a cane and slight limp.

I still have hope for the Suns to win, and win big - not just another playoff 1st or 2nd round exit - but this seems to be the last shot at it. Our last shot at the heights of NBA glory before Nash and Shaq ride out into the sunset.

The Quotable Sir Charles

I recently found a couple of lists of Charles Barkley quotes and thought I'd pay homage to the Round Mound of Rebound by posting 50 of his most memorable quotes.

50. "I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan."

49. "You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right."

48. "I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime."

47. "We better not be doing the Bulls this year. Man, they suck! Bunch of high school kids with $70 million contracts. Damn! I hate my mother for having me too soon."

46. "You can talk without saying a thing. I don't ever want to be that type of person."

45. After retiring from basketball "I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."

44. Ernie: "Did they recognize you in South Dakota?"

Charles: "Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back yawl!'"

43. Right after Peja won the 3-point contest: "Kenny said it was going to be an all-international night. I want to know which international brother is going to win the slam dunk contest."

42. On one of Nate Robinson's dunks during All Star weekend: "Any time a little midget does something like this, you gotta give him a 10!"

41. "I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend."

40. Ernie: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort."

Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!"

39. "Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself."

38. EJ: "Did you graduate from Auburn?"

Charles: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."

37. "Bavetta and Moses parted the Red Sea together."

36. Ernie Johnson, on Reggie Evans being caught grabbing the rocks of Chris Kaman: "(Reggie Evans) got caught with his hand in the cookie jar."

Charles: "Ernie, I don't know where you get your cookies at but the rest of us don't get ours there."

35. On his 17-year old daughter not dating yet: "Thank goodness. I just hope she doesn't start before I go in the Hall of Fame. That way, I won't have to kill anybody before I get inducted."

34. Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"

Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'

33. "Today is Jimmy Hatter's birthday -- he's the gay guy we got workin' behind the scenes, y'all. We hire them all at TNT. We do not discriminate. We hired the pimp last year, Craig Sager, and now we got Jimmy Hatter. We got all the ethnic groups covered."

32. Barkley on Turner Sports office having a betting pool on his weight: "That is starting to hurt my feelings. I don't mind skinny people making fun of me, we all do that, but I don't want fat people making fun of me."

31. "We are in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good."

30. When the Dream Team was about to play the Angola national team, during pre-game interviews the other USA players provided diplomatic, face saving comments about how they would play hard and felt strongly they would win. When Chuck was asked about Angola and the game, he replied: "They're in a lot of trouble."

29. Charles Barkley on his thoughts about retiring before the season: "I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, 'Yeah. I'm going to retire.' They said, 'Well, we'll give you $9 million.' And I said, 'You got a pen on you?'"

28. Man, everything gets blamed on the Clintons, every single thing in this world. I think Bill Clinton shot JFK, too.

27. "I know why his name is DMX. Because his real name is Earl. Imagine if his name was Earl the rapper."

26. "If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing."

25. After Kevin Garnett threw a ball into the crowd out of frustration and was ejected. They showed footage of the man that got hit by the ball being taken away in a stretcher and his daughter was crying. Charles commented that players take passes to the face all the time. He topped it off by saying: "You know why that little girl's crying? It's because she's thinking 'my daddy's a wussy'".

24. Barkley on Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith eating a box of hot Krispy Kreme donuts in front of him: "Both of y'all are going to hell for that. Y'all are going to hell with a first-class ticket. Is that how you treat your partner? Krispy Kreme might be the greatest invention in the history of civilization when they're hot. Y'all are cruel man."

23. "It's kinda great to see the Celtics doin well again cuz that was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It sounds like dinner at Kenny Smith's house."

22. "I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five."

21. Charles Barkley after seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: "Phone home." And later he remarks to Kenny, "Sam Cassell is a good guy, but he's not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon."

20. "On Stromile Swift and his yet unrealized potential: "Man, that boy can run and jump. So can a deer. But I'd never put a deer in a game."

19. Asked if he had ever been in the governor's office in Montgomery, Barkley said no. "They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama," he said, "unless they're cleaning."

18. On the goal of the '92 Olympic Dream Team when playing Panama in the Tournament of the Americas: "To get the Canal back."

17. "The only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up."

16. Barkley on Hanno Mottola, who, as EJ remarked "is the first NBA player from Finland". Charles replies: "Of course he is the first NBA player from Finland, he's the only person in Finland."

15. On super-sized Oliver Miller: "You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it."

14. "All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine."

13. On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: "Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots."

12. I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove.

11. "I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball."

10. On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."

9. "Yeah Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn't know anything about it personally but I've heard about it through the grapevine.

8. "Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they're still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn't do much for them."

7. On being misquoted in his autobiography: "That was my fault. I should have read it before it came out."

6. "Hey Stanley, you could be a great player if you learned just two words: I'm full."-- Barkley yelling to 300-plus-pound Houston Rockets teammate Stanley Roberts

5. "I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."

4. On the All-Star Game: "Hell, there ain't but 15 black millionaires in the whole country & half of 'em are right here in this room."

3. On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."

2. After throwing a guy through a 1st floor window in a bar Charles was in front of the judge.
Judge: "Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?"
Charles: "Yeah I regret we weren't on a higher floor"

1. After an Olympic Dream Team victory over Angola, in which they won 116-48, Charles got into a physical altercation with a member of Angola towards the end of the game, afterward he said: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a couple weeks. I thought he was going to pull a spear on me."

The highly anticipated: Last Chapter

Our stay in Tarija was truly enjoyable. I was so happy that Rachael enjoyed my favorite Bolivian town as much as I did. Tarija is commonly regarded by Bolivian nationals and tourists alike as the Bolivian Andalucia. The Guadalquivir River that borders the city was named after the Spanish river that passes through Córdoba and Seville. During the rainy season (January to March) the whole valley transforms into a luscious green ripe with juicy grapes on vines. It truly becomes “Tarija la Linda”. By May most of the vines are gone but it’s still a pleasant little town.

Unfortunately, our stay was also too short. Before we left, we did manage to eat at my favorite P-day lunch spot, Gattopardos; the Spaghetti Mafiosa was just as good as I remembered!

Our flight to Cochabamba was supposed to be for 10am the next morning, of course it was delayed the inevitable hour because well, that's the way things work in Bolivia. One thing I failed to mention was our family home evening we had on the night before we left. The whole family was involved, I was asked to give the lesson five minutes before everything started and I got in touch with one of my first baptisms, Saul Duchén. We have been communicating off and on for the last couple of years and I learned that he served a mission, got married in the temple and is now 3 months from being a dad. Needless to say, it was great to see him after eight long years. It was certainly a cool thing to go back to my first area and look at the mission photos of my first baptism. Anyway, at the airport Saul came unannounced to see us off for the last time; definitely a cool thing for me.

We got into Coch (mission slang for Cochabamba) and the family that our good friend Dustin knew during his mission was there to pick us up and offer their house as a base for our daily excursions. The Salazar family was great and so nice to offer a room of their house to people they've never met and barely heard of; however, they esteem Dustin on the same level as a god and so if he says we were good people then that was the infallible truth. After hearing a brief recounting of our trouble in La Paz, René, the father, insisted that we have at least one member of the family with us at all times in the city. That promise held true for the first day, but I was able to convince him that it would be alright and we've traveled this far by ourselves without much trouble. Reluctantly, he let us out of the house without an accompaniment. The first day, we took the gondola up to the Cristo de la Concordia to get a good look at the whole city. This statute is not much unlike the one in Rio de Janeiro, except this one is a few inches taller (I have a picture of the stats to prove it), and has peep holes drilled in all over the body.

Day two in Coch we decided to go to "la Cancha", the big open market in the center of town that has just about everything you could ever want or need and lots more of what you'll never want or need. Specifically, we hit up the artisan rows to scope out what souvenirs we would be bringing home. Unfortunately, we only had travelers’ checks to cash and none of the money exchangers could do that. We were directed to the center of town where once again we were told to go somewhere else. During our wild goose chase for the elusive travelers’ check money exchanger, I learned that during my six year absence from the country the mission office had moved to a different unknown part of town, Burger King had taken the place of McDonald's as the only fast-food restaurant, and lunchtime had drastically increased in length from two to three hours!

We waited for a few hours, once again entertained only by the pigeons, only this time their excrement became more of a problem (we'll just leave it at that). After finally cashing our checks we hopped onto a small little bus, trufi, and headed out to one of my favorite areas in Coch.

I was a little worried that I wouldn't remember where to get off, but in the prior week I learned to just trust my instincts. The highway out to Quillacollo (the Blanco Galindo) had changed quite a bit but somehow I remembered the kilometer mark and told the driver to stop. I got out and I soon found my way around. I decided that I would try to find some of the great families that I had met and Rachael and I trotted off in the general direction where I thought they lived. Fortunately, I did find the house where the Ayala family lived but of course they had moved.

I learned a secret years ago about finding people and figuring out what happened to them: ask the lady in the tienda. I went across the street and tapped a coin on the metal bars to the store; soon the doña came and directed me to the general area where they had moved. Luckily, she told me they hadn't moved far from there. We did an about-face and went in search of the next tienda that could lead us to the promised land. Of course, the only one at the next tienda was no more than 10 years old and couldn't help us out. Discouraged only a little, I set out to find other people that I knew. This time with ease, I found where I once laid my head to rest at night and descendants of that family still lived there (the grandparents who I knew are now living in Salt Lake City!). I described members of the Ayalas and the 15 year old grandson walked us to their front door.

Lizeth, now a 21 year old young lady, answered the door. I called her by name, I took off my sunglasses, then my baseball cap; still a perplexed look affixed to her face. "Elder Lippmann?", I said; still, nothing. Ultimately, I had to play the "go get your mother" card. Finally, the mother came and I was immediately recognized and welcomed! The family told me of some hard times that they were having and I promised to keep in touch and help in any way I could.

Sufficiently exhausted and a little sicker, we staggered back to the Salazar’s and we failed to even notice the rock hard mattress we had to sleep on. Day three meant a trip back to la Cancha to purchase all of the necessary souvenirs as proof of our journey to the center of South America. I really enjoyed the process of haggling and lowering prices by nominal amounts and then deciding we really didn’t want the item anyway. We spent quite a few hours and eventually came away with an impressive loot that covered both of our families’ Christmas presents all for a very reasonable low price. We made our way to the bus terminal and purchased our passage for our final destination.

Once again we were off to La Paz. We had the names of a few good hotels to stay at and decided on the one that a taxi driver pointed out to us. There was really nothing special but it had hot water straight from the sink faucet (a first in our trip) and it was relatively clean. For our last two days in Bolivia we weren't really motivated to go out and see a bunch of stuff, but I tried to complete the Bolivian experience for Rachael.

Early the next morning (our last day and Rachael’s birthday) I was directed to a little shack where they served salteñas. Salteñas are savory pastries filled with beef, pork or chicken mixed in a sweet, slightly spicy or very spicy sauce, and sometimes also containing peas, potatoes and other ingredients – something I loved during my mission. Rachael didn’t like how they tasted so I got a hearty breakfast.

Later we went up “gringo alley” and looked for anything that was so fabulous we wouldn’t be able to resist…we didn’t find anything. The prices were about the same as in Coch, there was a little more selection but basically it was the same ol’ stuff.

We then continued up the main street and entered into a little fruit and pastry market. I was looking for a special hot drink called api. Wikipedia (source of all knowledge) describes it thusly: api, a.k.a. chicha morada, is usually made of ears of purple maize (choclo morado) which are boiled with pineapple rind, cinnamon, and clove. This gives a strong purple-colored liquid which is then mixed with sugar and lemon. This beverage is generally drunk as an accompaniment to empanadas. I decided on the cleanest stand I could find and downed my api with an empanada with powdered sugar sprinkled over it. Again, Rachael wasn’t much impressed with the Bolivian cuisine and I suggested she get a milk shake across the way. This is where things got bad for her. Throughout the entire trip we had successfully avoided any food or drink that could make us sick; unfortunately, I did not see the doña put ice into the blender – Rachael saw it but didn’t think much of it. Apparently the bacterial infection she endured after the trip reared its ugly head exactly 2 weeks (time to incubate) after she partook of the fruity drink. Ironically enough, it was one of the only Bolivian treats she enjoyed. That night we tried and failed to find an Argentine beef place to eat and settled on the upscale “Dumbos” which is famous for its ice cream but also provides a pu-pu platter of other stuff. I just wanted ice cream and nothing else on the menu appeared palatable, but Rachael wanted more on her b-day. Unfortunately her selection (chili con carne) was too spicy and sour cream doesn’t exist in Bolivia. After sending it back and waiting 30 minutes for it to come back in its same original spicy form we headed back to the hotel.

Early the next morning we tried to get a taxi and every single one was charging the outlandish amount of $7! Mind you, up to this point I had not paid more than $1 for a taxi ride and $7 could buy passage for two halfway across Bolivia. But at 4 a.m. on a Sunday morning, surprisingly, our options were limited. We got to the airport on time thinking that it would be a direct flight to Miami, since that is what was on my ticket and what I had arranged with my travel agent, but of course in Bolivia things are up for interpretation as what a direct flight means.

We had to fly to Santa Cruz and stay on the plane while 20% of the flight debarked and we waited another 50 minutes while a airplane security agent took off every seat cushion and patted down the fabric with bare hands. As luck would have it, he did not find any bomb and we were finally off to a land where we could drink straight from the tap and not worry about flushing used toilet paper.

There are few times in life that we experience a completely different world, few times we see how fortunate we are to live in the United States, few times to see and really understand that the next vacation will be an all inclusive package.