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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Who is the ugliest NBA player?

I was sitting through my last class of PR for the semester and I thought I would create a list of ugly NBA players (mostly from my generation of fanhood) and then create a poll asking what everyone else thought. So here it is, be sure to vote for your ugliest NBA player.

Andrei Kirilenko - I don't know that many people have accused this Russian of being that ugly, in fact many might say he resembles Dolph Lundgren of Rocky IV fame. Truth is I had to put him on this list because he broke down and cried after Sloan benched him in the playoffs against the Rockets and Kirilenko used a towel to wipe tears from his red and swollen eyes while discussing his minimal role in the Jazz's loss in Game 1. There's no crying in basketball Andrei, I condemn you to the ugly bench!

Bill Walton - Before he became ESPN's sideline lyrical genius, this ginger kid sported the white-man afro combined with the leprechaun beard. Charles Barkley once called the 80's Celtics the "ugliest team in NBA History". While the Chuckster isn't exactly Mr. GQ, at least he isn't a day-walker and still has a soul.

Brian Cardinal - There is a time in every balding man's life when they must make a choice: Embrace the baldness, or fight it. Brian is the perfect example of what is wrong with fighting it. Brian represents the whole class of white big men who were good in college but only looked good sitting on the bench in the NBA, of course he really didn't look good doing that either. I really need to know what Brian did for Jerry West to receive $39 million over six seasons.

Charlie Villanueva - I debated whether or not I could make fun of Villanueva’s body hair disease. After much thought during an enlightening PR class I've decided that yes, yes I can because having no eyebrows is just plain frightening.

Chris Kaman - Speaking of frightening, it is absolutely terrifying to look at Kaman. He’s not scary like Ray Lewis, but more like “my car broke down in the backwoods of Tennessee and now there’s a large, stringy-haired man dressed in a plaid shirt and jean overalls carrying a shotgun and he’s staring at me” scary.

Dennis Rodman - Dennis could soak in Clorox and baking soda and he would still look dirty to me. The "Worm" was a dang good hustle player and rebounder but I think the dye seeped a little too deep and converted him into the nut case he is. And yes, I'm saying all nut cases are ugly.

As flat-out hideous as this man is, he does have an excuse- two excuses, actually. He's seven foot-seven, and he's from Romania. That having been said, he looks brutal. Brutish as well. Inch-for-inch the ugliest man on any team in the NBA for a decade. Looking at Gheorghe Muresan makes one nostalgic for the Cold War, when this monstrosity would have been hidden by the Iron Curtain from our oh-so-tender eyes.

Greg Ostertag - This is actually Ostertag on a good day. If you watched Utah Jazz games, you would occasionally see him spit out his two-front-false teeth and roll them around in his mouth. Also when he played for the Kings, Ostertag danced on stage during an event for season ticket holders. Apparently, there were children in attendance. It would not be an exaggeration to classify this as a crime against humanity.

Joakim Noah - I want to wonder out loud here, how can Noah be the seed of a woman who was a former Miss Sweden and finished 4th in the Miss Universe Pageant? Seriously! Miss Sweden! What went wrong? I think I should mention that Joakim Noah is a great player. I actually only said he's a great player so he won't eat me. I bet during last year's national championship game the Ohio State players were too busy looking at his mom and thinking, what the hell? How did that come from that?

Larry Bird - Larry Joe Bird, in addition to being an All-Ugly performer, also owns the distinction of being the ugliest man on the ugliest team in NBA history, the 1985-86 Boston Celtics. Larry Joe, DJ, McHale, and The Chief provided a solid core of unattractiveness, but it was the acquisition of Bill Walton that put the C's over the top. It was really the blond baby mustache that landed the Legend on this list.

Marquis Daniels - Marquis has a Chinese tattoo which reads "Healthy, Woman, Roof". I bet that he thought he was getting his initials when some Asians played a trick on him. I think it would have been cooler for them to ink the symbol for the Predator. Marquis would be the ultimate secret weapon if he could be invisible and pick off the other team's players. But when his team played Sacramento, Arnold the Govenator himself would blow him up with an oozie or something. Would make for great TV. I'm not the only one here that sees the resemblance between Marquis and the Predator am I? I mean, can his eyes be any further apart?

Popeye Jones - I kept on wondering who he reminds me of. I finally came up with it. Sloth from "The Goonies". After figuring that out I tried to discover why he was nicknamed Popeye. I looked at the character Popeye the Sailor and I just didn't see it. Popeye the Sailor has squinty eyes, tiny ears, and eats a lot of spinach. On the other hand, Popeye the basketball player has large, protruding ears, huge eyes, and eats a lot of babies. Clearly they are nothing alike. Well, Popeye Jones' eyes kind of pop out of his head as if he had just seen Chris Kaman so maybe that is where the nickname came from.

Sam Cassell - You might best know Sam Cassell for being cast in the lead role for the movie E.T. Cassell is a pretty good point guard. His skills have sometimes seemed....shall I say...out of THIS WORLD! Do you get it? I am calling him an alien. Because he is really ugly and slimy looking. Commence laughter.

Shawn Marion - I love his game and he's my favorite player on my favorite team, but Shawn has got to plug back into the Matrix and create a better Residual Self Image of himself because the dude looks like the missing link sometimes.

Tyrone Hill - In my opinion he is the ugliest, scariest player in NBA history. I likened him to He-Man villain Skeletor. Just look at his face. It looks like he is just a collection of bones. This is probably because Tyrone Hill is 429 years old! At least, that was the explanation I've heard for his lack of muscle tissue and deeply indented eyes.

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